Iggy's Dictionary

(A list of words not yet in the dictionary; various sources)

A.A.A.A.A.: 1. An organization for drunks who drive; 2. American Association Against Acronym Abuse Anonymous

Absent, adj.: Exposed to the attacks of friends and acquaintances; defamed; slandered.

Accident, n.: A condition in which presence of mind is good, but absence of body is better.

Accordion, n.: A bagpipe with pleats.

Accordionated (ah kor' de on ay tid) adj.: Being able to drive and refold a road map at the same time.

Accuracy, n.: The vice of being right.

Acid, n.: Better living through chemistry.

Ada, n.: Something you need only know the name of to be an Expert in Computing. Useful in sentences like, "We had better develop an ADA awareness."

Adolescence, n.: The stage between puberty and adultery.

Adult, n.: 1. One old enough to know better. 2. A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.

Afternoon, n.: That part of the day we spend worrying about how we wasted the morning.

Aibohphobia: The fear of palindromes.

Antonym, n.: The opposite of the word you're trying to think of.

Aquadextrous (ak wa deks' trus) adj.: Possessing the ability to turn the bathtub faucet on and off with your toes. [Rich Hall, "Sniglets"]

Aqualibrium (ak wa lib' re um) n.: The point where the stream of drinking fountain water is at its perfect height, thus relieving the drinker from having to suck the nozzle, or (b) squirting himself in the eye.

Arachibutyrophobia, v.: Fear of peanut butter sticking to roof of your mouth.

Armadillo: To provide weapons to a Spanish pickle.

Ass, n.: The masculine of "lass".

Automobile, n.: A four-wheeled vehicle that runs up hills and down pedestrians.

Baby, n.: An alimentary canal with a loud voice at one end and no responsibility at the other.

Bargain, v.: Something you can't use at a price you can't resist.

Barium, v.: What doctors do when treatment fails.

Baroque. v.: When you are out of Monet.

Basic, n.: A programming language. Related to certain social diseases in that those who have it will not admit it in polite company.

Beauty Parlor, n.: A place where women curl up and dye.

Binary, adj.: Possessing the ability to have friends of both sexes.

Bipolar, adj.: Refers to someone who has homes in Nome, Alaska, and Buffalo, New York.

Boss, n.: According to the Oxford English Dictionary, in the Middle Ages the words "boss" and "botch" were largely synonymous, except that boss, in addition to meaning "a supervisor of workers" also meant "an ornamental stud."

Boston, n.: Ludwig van Beethoven being jeered by 50,000 sports fans for finishing second in the Irish jig competition.

Boy, n.: A noise with dirt on it.

Broad-mindedness, n.: The result of flattening high-mindedness out.

Bubble Memory, n.: A derogatory term, usually referring to a person's intelligence. See also "vacuum tube".

Budget: A method for going broke methodically.

Bug, n.: 1. Small living things that small living boys throw on small living girls. 2. An aspect of a computer program which exists because the PROGRAMMER was thinking about Jumbo Jacks or stock options when s/he wrote the program.

Bureaucrat, n.: A politician who has tenure.

Burgacide (burg' uh side) n.: When a hamburger can't take any more torture and hurls itself through the grill into the coals.

C, n.: 1. A programming language that is sort of like Pascal except more like assembly except that it isn't very much like either one, or anything else. It is either the best language available to the art today, or it isn't. [Ray Simard] 2. A language which combines the flexibility of assembly language with the power of assembly language.

California, n.: From Latin "calor", meaning "heat" (as in English "Calorie" or Spanish "Caliente") and "fornia" for "sexual intercourse" or "fornication." Hence, Tierra de California is "The land of hot sex." [Ed Moran]

Candidate, n.: A person who gets money from the rich and votes from the poor to protect them from each other.

Cannibal, n.: Someone who is fed up with people.

Car Service: If it ain't broke, we'll break it.

Carperpetuation (kar' pur pet u a shun), n.: The act, when vacuuming, of running over a string at least a dozen times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then putting it back down to give the vacuum one more chance. [Rich Hall, "Sniglets"]

Character Density, n.: The number of very weird people in the office.

Chemicals, n.: Noxious substances from which modern foods are made.

Chicago, n.: Where the dead still vote... early and often!

Chickens, n.: The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead.

Chicken Soup, n.: An ancient miracle drug containing equal parts of aureomycin, cocaine, interferon, and TLC. The only ailment chicken soup can't cure is neurotic dependence on one's mother. [Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish"]

Chocolate, n.: The other major food group.

Christ, n.: A man who was born at least 5,000 years ahead of his time.

Cigarette, n.: A fire at one end, a fool at the other, and a bit of tobacco in between.

Cinemuck, n.: The combination of popcorn, soda, and melted chocolate which covers the floors of movie theaters. [Rich Hall, "Sniglets"]

Cocaine, n.: The thinking man's Dristan.

Cold, adj.: 1. When the politicians walk around with their hands in their own pockets. 2. When the local flashers are handing out written descriptions.

Collaboration, n.: A literary partnership based on the false assumption that the other fellow can spell.

Command, n.: Statement presented by a human and accepted by a computer in such a manner as to make the human feel as if he is in control.

Commitment, v.: Commitment can be illustrated by a breakfast of ham and eggs. Note: The issue has been raised by Jenni Kay that only the pig has made a commitment, whereas the chicken has made a contribution.

Committee, n.: A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.

Computer, n.: A device designed to speed and automate errors.

Computer Science, n.: A science whose goal is to build something that will lasts at least until they've finished building it.

Concept, n.: Any "idea" for which an outside consultant billed you more than $25,000.

Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.

Conversation, n.: A vocal competition in which the one who is catching his breath is called the listener.

Corrupt, adj.: In politics, holding an office of trust or profit.

Cosmetics, n.: A woman's means for keeping a man from reading between the lines.

Cult Book, n.: Technical reference manual of life, written by the end-users.

Cynic, n.: One who looks through rose-colored glasses with a jaundiced eye.

Decisionmaker, n.: The person in your office who was unable to form a task force before the music stopped.

Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

Deju vu: The feeling that, somehow, somewhere, you've been kicked in the head like this before.

Die, v.: To stop sinning suddenly. [Elbert Hubbard]

Diplomacy, v.: 1. The art of letting someone have your way. 2. The art of saying "Nice doggie!" until you can find a rock.

Diplomat, n.: 1. Someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip. 2. A man who can convince his wife she'd look stout in a fur coat.

Disconfect (dis kon fekt') v.: To sterilize the piece of candy you dropped on the floor by blowing on it, somehow assuming this will "remove" all the germs.

Drug, n.: Any substance which, when injected into a laboratory animal, produces a publication.

Economics, n.: Economics is the study of the value and meaning of J. K. Galbraith... [Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"]

Eiffelites (eye' ful eyetz) n.: Gangly people sitting in front of you at the movies who, no matter what direction you lean in, follow suit.

Elbonics (el bon' iks) n.: The actions of two people maneuvering for one armrest in a movie theater.

Elecelleration (el a cel er ay' shun) n.: The mistaken notion that the more you press an elevator button the faster it will arrive.

Electrocution, n.: Burning at the stake with all the modern improvements.

Endless Loop, n.: see Loop, Endless. [Random Shack Data Processing Dictionary]

Entymology, n.: Some early etymological scholars come up with derivations that were hard for the public to believe. The term "etymology" was formed from the Latin "etus" ("eaten"), the root "mal" ("bad"), and "logy" ("study of"). It meant "the study of things that are hard to swallow."

Ethernet, n.: Something used to catch the etherbunny.

Etymology, n.: Some early etymological scholars come up with derivations that were hard for the public to believe. The term "etymology" was formed from the Latin "etus" ("eaten"), the root "mal" ("bad"), and "logy" ("study of"). It meant "the study of things that are hard to swallow." [Mike Kellen]

Experience, adv.: ¹That which causes a person to make new mistakes instead of old ones. ²What you get when you don't get what you want.

Fairy Tale, n.: A horror story to prepare children for the newspapers.

Faith, n: That quality which enables us to believe what we know to be untrue.

Fakir, n.: A psychologist whose charismatic data have inspired almost religious devotion in his followers, even though the sources seem to have shinnied up a rope and vanished.

Frisbeetarianism, n.: The belief that when you die, your soul goes up to a roof and gets stuck.

Frobnicate, v.: To manipulate or adjust, to tweak. Derived from FROBNITZ. Usually abbreviated to FROB. Thus one has the saying "to frob a frob". See TWEAK and TWIDDLE.
Usage: FROB, TWIDDLE, and TWEAK sometimes connote points along a continuum. FROB connotes aimless manipulation; TWIDDLE connotes gross manipulation, often a coarse search for a proper setting; TWEAK connotes fine-tuning. If someone is turning a knob on an oscilloscope, then if he's carefully adjusting it he is probably tweaking it; if he is just turning it but looking at the screen he is probably twiddling it; but if he's just doing it because turning a knob is fun, he's frobbing it.

Frust (frust) n.: The small line of debris that refuses to be swept onto the dust pan and keeps backing a person across the room until he finally decides to give up and sweep it under the rug.

Genderplex, n.: The predicament of a person in a restaurant who is unable to determine his or her designated restroom (e.g., turtles and tortoises). [Rich Hall, "Sniglets"]

Genius, n.: A chemist who discovers a laundry additive that rhymes with "bright".

Gold, n.: A soft malleable metal relatively scarce in distribution. It is mined deep in the earth by poor men who then give it to rich men who immediately bury it back in the earth in great prisons, although gold hasn't done anything to them. [Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"]

Gossip, n.: A person who will never tell a lie if the truth will do more damage.

Goto, n.: A programming tool that exists to allow structured programmers to complain about unstructured programmers. [Ray Simard]

Grandparent, n.: Something so simple, even a child can operate it.

Great Lover, n.: A man who can breathe through he ears. (obviously, this definition was supplied by a woman!)

Haggis, n.: Haggis is a black pudding eaten by the Scots and considered by them to be not only a delicacy but fit for human consumption. The minced heart, liver and lungs of a sheep, calf or other animal's inner organs are mixed with oatmeal, sealed and boiled in maw in the sheep's intestinal stomach-bag and... Excuse me a minute...

Handkerchief, n.: Cold Storage.

Hardware, n.: The parts of a computer system that can be kicked.

Heavy, adj.: Seduced by the chocolate side of the force.

Inflation, v.: Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.

Information Center, n.: A room staffed by professional computer people whose job it is to tell you why you cannot have the information you require.

Jury, n.: Twelve people who determine which client has the better lawyer.

Kasha, n.: Kasha is always defined as "Buckwheat groats." There's only one problem with this definition:
What the fuck are "Buckwheat groats?" I know what they are -- they're kasha. But that doesn't help you much. [For more information, see Endless Loop.]

Kin, n.: An affliction of the blood

Krogt, n. (chemical symbol: Kr): The metallic silver coating found on fast-food game cards. [Rich Hall, "Sniglets"]

Lactomangulation, (lak' to man gyu lay' shun) n.: Manhandling the "open here" spout on a milk carton so badly that one has to resort to using the "illegal" side. [Rich Hall, "Sniglets"]

Laissez Faire, n.: Theory that if each acts like a vulture, all will end as doves.

Laughing Stock, n.: Cattle with a sense of humor.

Liberal, n.: A person who has both feet planted firmly in the air.

Lie, n.: A very poor substitute for the truth, but the only one discovered to date.

Logic, n.: 1. An organised way of going wrong; 2. The art of being wrong with confidence.

Loop, Endless, n.: see Endless Loop. [Random Shack Data Processing Dictionary]

Lottery, n.: A tax on people who are bad at math.

Lunatic Asylum, n.: The place where optimism most flourishes.

Magnocartic, adj.: Any automobile that, when left unattended, attracts shopping carts. [Sniglets, "Rich Hall & Friends"]

Mainframe, n.: The biggest PC peripheral available.

Majority, n.: That quality that distinguishes a crime from a law.

Maniac, n.: An early computer built by nuts.

Manual, n.: A unit of documentation. There are always three or more on a given item. One is on the shelf; someone has the others. The information you need in in the others. [Ray Simard]

Marriage: The triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.

Maturity, adv.: Period when you learn that everything is the fault of the younger generation; ant. Youth.

Meeting, n.: An assembly of people coming together to decide what person or department not represented in the room must solve a problem.

Menu, n.: A list of dishes which the restaurant has just run out of.

Microwave, n.: Signal from a friendly micro.

Missionary Position, n.: The missionary on top.

Mophobia, n.: Fear of being verbally abused by a Mississippian.

Mosquito, n.: An insect that makes you like flies better.

Multitasking, v.: Screwing up several things at once.

Myth, n.: A female moth.

New Year's Eve, ?: The time of year when a man most feels his age, and his wife most often reminds him to act it. [Webster's Unafraid Dictionary]

Nondeterminism, v.: Never having to say you are wrong.

Nostalgia, n.: The good old days multiplied by a bad memory.

Office Automation, n.: The use of computers to improve efficiency by removing anyone you would want to talk with over coffee.

On-Line, adj.: The idea that a human being should always be accessible to a computer.

Oregon, n.: Eighty billion gallons of water with no place to go on Saturday night.

Organic chemistry, adj.: The chemistry of carbon compounds.

Pascal, n.: A programming language named after a man who would turn over in his grave if he knew about it.

Peppier (pehp ee ay') n.: The waiter at a fancy restaurant whose sole purpose seems to be walking around asking diners if they want ground pepper.

Pessimist n.: An optimist with experience.

Petonic (peh ton' ik) adj.: One who is embarrassed to undress in front of a household pet.

Phonesia (fo nee' zhuh) n.: The affliction of dialing a phone number and forgetting whom you were calling just as they answer.

Politician, n.: From the Greek "poly" ("many") and the French "tete" (head" or "face," as in "tete-a-tete": head to head or face to face). Hence "polytetien", a person of two or more faces. [Martin Pitt]

Power, n: The only narcotic regulated by the SEC instead of the FDA.

Proctologist, n.: A doctor who puts in a hard day at the orifice.

Programmer, n.: Someone who solves a problem you didn't know you had in a way you don't understand.

Psychiatrist, n.: A person who will give you expensive answers that your wife will give you for free.

Pupkus (pup' kus) n.: The moist residue left on a window after a dog presses its nose to it.

Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.

Quality Control, n.: The process of testing one out of every 1,000 units coming off a production line to make sure that at least one out of 100 works.

Quantum Mechanics, n.: The dreams stuff is made of

Qwert (kwirt), n.: [MW < OW qwertyuiop, a thirteenth]: 1. a unit of weight equal to 13 poiuyt avoirdupois (or 1.69 kiloliks), commonly used in structural engineering; 2. [Colloq.] one thirteenth the load that a fully grown sligo can carry; 3. [Anat.] a painful irritation of the dermis in the region of the anus; 4. [Slang] person who excites in others the symptoms of a qwert. [Webster's Middle World Dictionary, 4th ed.]

Raisin, n.: Grape with a sunburn.

Real Time, adj.: Here and now, as opposed to fake time, which only occurs there and then.

Rodeo Sex, n.: That's when you mount your wife doggy style and in the middle of having sex you bend over and whisper in her ear, "Your sister is tighter than you!" and then try to hold on for 8 seconds!

San Francisco, n.: Marcel Proust editing an issue of Penthouse.

Secret, n.: Something you tell to one person at a time.

Seminars, n.: From "semi" and "arse", hence, any half-assed discussion.

Shamus, n.: A shamus is a guy who takes care of handyman tasks around the temple, and makes sure everything is in working order. A shamus is at the bottom of the pecking order of synagog functionaries, and there's a joke about that: A rabbi, to show his humility before God, cries out in the middle of a service, "Oh, Lord, I am nobody!" The cantor, not to be bested, also cries out, "Oh, Lord, I am nobody!" The shamus, deeply moved, follows suit and cries, "Oh, Lord, I am nobody!" The rabbi turns to the cantor and says, "Look who thinks he's nobody!" [Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish"]

Shin, n.: A device for finding furniture in the dark.

Slurm, n.: The slime that accumulates on the underside of a soap bar when it sits in the dish too long. [Rich Hall, "Sniglets"]

Snacktrek, n.: The peculiar habit, when searching for a snack, of constantly returning to the refrigerator in hopes that something new will have materialized. [Rich Hall, "Sniglets"]

Software, n.: Formal evening attire for female computer analysts.

Spirtle, n.: The fine stream from a grapefruit that always lands right in your eye. [Sniglets, "Rich Hall & Friends"]

Spouse, n.: Someone who'll stand by you through all the trouble you wouldn't have had if you'd stayed single.

Stress, v.: 1. That confusion created when one's mind overrides the body's desire to choke the living shit out of some asshole who desperately needs it! 2. When you wake up screaming and you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.

Stupid, n.: Losing $25 on the game and $25 on the instant replay.

Suburbia, n.: Where they tear out the trees and then name streets after them.

Sweater, n.: A garment worn by a child when its mother feels chilly.

Tact, n.: The unsaid part of what you're thinking.

Taxes, n.: Of life's two certainties, the only one for which you can get an extension.

Telecrastination (tel e kras tin ay' shun) n.: The act of always letting the phone ring at least twice before you pick it up, even when you're only six inches away.

Televangelists, n.: The Pro Wrestlers of religion.

Tomorrow, n.: One of the greatest labor saving devices of today.

Universe, n.: The problem.

University, n.: Like a software house, except the software's free, and it's usable, and it works, and if it breaks they'll quickly tell you how to fix it, and...

Upgrade, n.: Take old bugs out, put new ones in.

User, n.: A programmer who will believe anything you tell him.

Windows, n.: Just another pane in the glass.

Wrinkles, n.: Something other people have. You have character lines... and one to tell your boss...

Write-Protect Tab, n.: A small sticker created to cover the unsightly notch carelessly left by disk manufacturers. The use of the tab creates an error message once in a while, but its aesthetic value far outweighs the momentary inconvenience. [Robb Russon]

Yawn, n.: An honest opinion openly expressed.

Yinkel, n.: A person who combs his hair over his bald spot, hoping no one will notice. [Rich Hall, "Sniglets"]

Youth, adv.: Period when you blame all your troubles on your parents; ant. maturity.

Zero Defects, n.: The result of shutting down a production line.