The Catholic Dictionary

Amen: The only part of a prayer that everyone knows.

Bulletin: ¹Parish information, read only during the homily. ²Catholic air conditioning. ³Your receipt for attending Mass.

Choir: A group of people whose singing allows the rest of the congregation to lip-sync.

Holy Water : A liquid whose chemical formula is H₂OLY

Hymn: A song of praise, usually sung in a key three octaves higher than that of the congregation's range.

Incense: Holy Smoke!

Jesuits: An order of priests known for their ability to found colleges with good basketball teams.

Jonah: The original "Jaws" story.

Justice: When kids have kids of their own.

Kyrie Elieison: The only Greek words that most Catholics can recognize besides gyros and baklava.

Magi: The most famous trio to attend a baby shower.

Manger: ¹Where Mary gave birth to Jesus because Joseph wasn't covered by an HMO. ²The Bible's way of showing us that holiday travel has always been rough.

Pew: A medieval torture device still found in Catholic Churches.

Procession: The ceremonial formation at the beginning of Mass, consisting of altar servers, the celebrant, and late parishioners looking for seats.

Recessional: The ceremonial procession at the conclusion of Mass led by parishioners trying to beat the crowd to the parking lot.

Recessional Hymn: The last song at Mass, often sung a little more quietly, since most of the people have already left, or are on their way out.

Relics: People who have been going to Mass for so long, they actually know when to sit, kneel, and stand.

Ten Commandments: The most important "Top Ten" list not given by David Letterman.

Ushers: The only people in the parish who don't know the seating capacity of a pew.