Mac Beer: At first, came only in a 16-oz. can, but now comes in a
32-oz. can. Considered by many to be a "light" beer. All the cans
look identical. When you take one from the fridge, it opens
itself. The ingredients list is not on the can. If you call to
ask about the ingredients, you are told that "you don't need to
know." A notice on the side reminds you to drag your empties to
the trash can.
Windows 3.1 Beer: The world's most popular. Comes in a 16-oz. can
that looks a lot like Mac Beer's. Requires that you already own a
DOS Beer. Claims that it allows you to drink several DOS Beers
simultaneously, but in reality you can only drink a few of them,
very slowly, especially slowly if you are drinking the Windows Beer
at the same time. Sometimes, for no apparent reason, a can of
Windows Beer will explode when you open it.
OS/2 Beer: Comes in a 32-oz can. Does allow you to drink several
DOS Beers simultaneously. Allows you to drink Windows 3.1 Beer
simultaneously too, but somewhat slower. Advertises that its cans
won't explode when you open them, even if you shake them up. You
never really see anyone drinking OS/2 Beer, but the manufacturer
(International Beer Manufacturing) claims that 9 million six-packs
have been sold.
Windows 95 Beer: Just on the market, a lot of people have
taste-tested this beer and claim it's wonderful. The can looks a
lot like Mac Beer's can, but tastes more like Windows 3.1 Beer. It
comes in 32-oz. cans, but when you look inside, the cans only have
16 oz. of beer in them. Most people will probably keep drinking
Windows 3.1 Beer until their friends try Windows 95 Beer and say
they like it. The ingredients list, when you look at the small
print, has some of the same ingredients that come in DOS beer, even
though the manufacturer claims that this is an entirely new brew.
Windows NT Beer: Comes in 32-oz. cans, but you can only buy it by
the truckload. This causes most people to have to go out and buy
bigger refrigerators. The can looks just like the Windows 3.1
Beer, but the company promises to change the can to look just like
Windows 95 Beer - after Windows 95 Beer starts shipping. Touted as
an "industrial strength" beer, and suggested only for use in bars.
Unix Beer: Comes in several different brands, in cans ranging from
8 oz. to 64 oz. Drinkers of Unix Beer display fierce brand
loyalty, even though they claim that all the different brands taste
almost identical. Sometimes the pop-tops break off when you try to
open them, so you have to have your own can opener around for those
occasions, in which case you either need a complete set of
instructions, or a friend who has been drinking Unix Beer for
several years.
AmigaDOS Beer: The company has gone out of business, but their
recipe has been picked up by some weird German company, so now this
beer will be an import. This beer never really sold very well
because the original manufacturer didn't understand marketing.
Like Unix Beer, AmigaDOS Beer fans are an extremely loyal and loud
group. It originally came in a 16-oz. can, but now comes in 32-oz.
cans too. When this can was originally introduced, it appeared
flashy and colorful, but the design hasn't changed much over the
years, so it appears dated now. Critics of this beer claim that it
is only meant for watching TV anyway.
VMS Beer: Requires minimal user interaction, except for popping
the top and sipping. However cans have been known on occasion to
explode, or contain extremely un-beer-like contents. Best drunk in
high pressure development environments. When you call the
manufacturer for the list of ingredients, you're told that is
proprietary and referred to an unknown listing in the manuals
published by the FDA. Rumors are that this was once listed in the
Physicians' Desk Reference as a tranquilizer, but no one can claim
to have actually seen it.