Entry-level position in an up-and-coming company means you'll be
making under $7 an hour; they'll be bankrupt in a year.
An up-and-coming software company means they want you to get your
hopes up, but there's no chance in hell they'll be the next
Microsoft.
Profit-sharing plan means once it's shared between the higher-ups,
there won't be a profit.
Competitive salary means they remain competitive by paying you less
than their competitors.
Join our fast-paced company means they have no time to train you;
you'll have to introduce yourself to your coworkers.
Nationally recognized leader means Inc. Magazine wrote them up a
few years ago, but they haven't done anything innovative since.
Immediate opening means the person who used to have this job gave
notice a month ago. they're just now running the ad.
Sales position requiring motivated self-starter means they're not
going to supply you with leads; there's no base salary; you'll wait
30 days for your first commission check.
Self-motivated means management won't answer questions.
We offer great benefits means after 90 days, you can join their
HMO, which has a $500 deductible and a $25 co-pay.
Pension/retirement benefits means after 3 years, they'll allow you
to fund your own 401(k) and, if you behave, they'll give you a 5%
matching contribution.
Seeking enthusiastic, fun, hard working, people ...who still live
with their parents and won't mind an internship-level salary.
Casual work atmosphere means they don't pay enough to expect that
you'll dress up; well, a couple of the real daring guys wear
earrings...
Competitive environment means they have a lot of turnover.
Exciting and professional work environment means guys in gray suits
will bore you with tales of squash and their weekends on yachts.
Join our dynamic team means they all listen to nutty motivational
tapes.
Fun work environment means your coworkers will be insulted if you
don't drink with them.
A drug-free work environment means they booze it up at company
parties.
Must be deadline oriented means you'll be six months behind
schedule on your first day.
Some public relations required means if they're in trouble, you'll
go on TV and get them out of it.
Some overtime required means some time each night and some time
each weekend.
Salary range $24K-$32K means they'll offer you $22K to start.
A highly visible position means you'll give boring speeches on your
own time.
Flexible hours means work 40 hours; get paid for 25.
Duties will vary means anyone in the office can boss you around.
Where employees feel valued... at least those who missed the last
round of layoffs, that is.
Must have an eye for detail means they have no quality control.
College degree preferred, unless you wasted those four years
studying something useless like philosophy, English or religion.
Career-minded means female applicants must be childless (and remain
that way).
Apply in person means if you're old, fat or ugly you'll be told the
position has been filled.
No phone calls please means they've filled the job; our call for
resumes is just a legal formality.
Seeking candidates with a wide variety of experience means you'll
need it to replace three people who just left.
Problem-solving skills a must means you're walking into a company
in perpetual chaos.
Requires team leadership skills means you'll have the
responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.
Good communication skills means management communicates, you
listen, figure out what they want and do it.
Ability to handle a heavy workload means you whine and you're
fired.
Aspirations for growth within our company means they Love
brown-nosers.