Maturity: Women mature much faster than Men. Most 17-year-old
females can function as adults. Most 17-year-old males are still
trading baseball cards and giving each other wedgies after gym
class. This is why high school romances rarely work.
Handwriting: To their credit, men do not decorate their
penmanship! They just chicken-scratch. Women use scented, colored
stationary and they dot their "i's" with circles and hearts. Women
use ridiculously large loops in their "p's" and "g's." It is a
royal pain to read a note from a woman. Even when she's dumping
you, she'll put a smiley face at the end of the note.
Relationships: First of all, a man does not call a relationship a
relationship - he refers to it as, "That time when me and Suzie
were doing it on a regular basis." When a relation ends, a woman
will cry and pour her heart out to her girlfriends, and she will
write a poem titled "All Men Are Idiots." Then she will get on
with her life. A man has a little more trouble letting go. Six
months after the break-up, at 3:00 A.M. on a Saturday Night, he
will call and say, "I just wanted to let you know you ruined my
life, and I'll never forgive you, and I hate you, and you're a
total floozy. But I want you to know there's always a chance for
us." This is known as the "I hate you/I love you" drunken phone
call, that 99% of all men have made at least once. There are
Community Colleges that offer courses to help men get over this
need, but they rarely prove effective.
Sex: Women prefer 30 - 45 minutes of foreplay. Men prefer 30 - 45
seconds of foreplay. Men consider driving back to her place as
part of the foreplay.
Bathrooms: A man has at most six items in his bathroom - a
toothbrush, toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a
towel from the Holiday Inn. The average number of items in a
typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to
identify most of these items. (At least he shouldn't be able to
identify most of these items...)
Restrooms: Men use restrooms for purely biological reasons. Women
use restrooms as social lounges. Men in a restroom will never
speak a word to each other. Never in the history of the world has
a man excused himself from a restaurant table by saying, "Hey Stan,
I was just about to take a leak. Do you want to join me?
Groceries: A woman makes a list of things he needs and then goes
to the store and buys these things. A man waits till the only
items left in his fridge are half a lemon and something turning
green. Then he goes grocery shopping. He buys everything that
looks good. By the time a man reaches the check-out counter, his
cart is packed tighter than the Clampett's car on Beverly
Hillbillies. Of course, this will not stop him from going to the
10-items-or-less lane.
Going Out: When a man says he is ready to go out, it means he is
ready to go out. When a woman says she is ready to go out, it
means she will be ready to go out as soon as she finds her other
earring, finishes putting on her makeup...
Cats: Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women
aren't looking, men kick cats.
Offspring: Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children.
She knows about dentist appointments, soccer games, romances, best
friends, favorite foods, secret fears, hopes, dreams, etc. A man
is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
Dressing Up: A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the
plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, get the
mail, etc. A man will dress up for wedding, funerals and anything
else a woman might blackmail him to dress up for.
David Letterman: Men think David Letterman is the funniest man on
the face of the Earth. Woman think he is a mean, semi-dorky guy
who always has a bad haircut.
Laundry: Women do laundry every couple of days. A man will wear
every article of clothing he owns, including his parachute pants
that were hip back in the eighties, before he will do the laundry.
When he is finally out of clothes, he will wear a dirty sweatshirt
inside out, rent a U-haul and take his mountain of clothes to the
laundromat. Men always expect to meet beautiful women at the
laundromat. This is a myth perpetuated by reruns of old episodes
of "Love, American Style."
Weddings: When reminiscing about weddings, women talk about "The
Ceremony." Men talk about "The Bachelor Party."
Socks: Men wear sensible socks. They wear standard white sweat
socks. Women wear strange socks. They are cut way below the
ankles, have pictures of clouds on them, and have a big fuzzy ball
on the back.
Nicknames: If Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah and Michelle get together
for lunch, they will call each other Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah, and
Michelle. But if Mike, Dave, Rob, and Jack go out for a
"Brew-ski," they will affectionately refer to each other as
Bullet-Head, Godzilla, Peanut Brain and Useless.
Eating: A woman will generally admire an ornate desert for the
artistic work it is, praising its creator and waiting a suitable
interval before she reluctantly takes a small sliver off one edge.
A man will start by grabbing the cherry in the center. ( A concept
not new to many...)
Eating Out: When the check comes, Mike, Dave, Rob and Jack will
each throw in $20 bills, even though it's only for $22.50. None of
them will have anything smaller, and none will actually admit they
want change back. When the girls get their check, out come the
pocket calculators.
Car repair: The average man things his Y chromosome contains
complete repair manuals for every car made since World War II. He
will work on a problem himself until it either goes away or turns
into something that "...can't be fixed without special tools." The
average woman thinks "that funny thump-thump noise" is an accurate
description of an automotive problem. She will, however have the
car serviced at the proper intervals. Both, however, cost about
the same. The man puts it out all at once and the woman puts it
out in monthly payments.
Sexual Frequency: The average man would prefer having sex every
evening, or every morning, or maybe both if he's under 30. The
average woman would like to have sex non-stop all week-end, once a
month.
Clothes: Men don't discard clothes. The average man still has the
gym shirt he wore in high school. He thinks a jacket is "just
getting broken in" about the time it develops holes in the elbows.
A man will let new shirts sit on the shelf in their original
packaging for a couple of years before putting them to use, hoping
they'll become more comfortable with age. Women think clothes are
radioactive, with a half-life of one year. They exercise
precautions to avoid contamination by last year's fashions.
Trust: The average woman would really like to be told if her mate
is fooling around behind her back. This same woman wouldn't tell
her best friend if she knew the best friends' mate was having an
affair. She'll tell all her other friends, however. The average
man won't say anything if he knows that one of his friend's mates
is fooling around, and he'd rather not know if his mate is having
an affair either, out of fear that it might be with one of his
friends. He will tell all his friends about his own affairs,
though, so they can be ready if he needs an alibi.
Driving: A typical man thinks he's Mario Andretti as soon as he
slips behind the wheel of his car. The fact that it's an
8-year-old Honda doesn't keep him from trying to out-accelerate the
guy in the Porsche who's attempting to cut him off; freeway
on-ramps are exciting challenges to see who has "The Right Stuff"
on the morning commute. Does he or doesn't he? Only his body shop
knows for sure. Insurance companies understand this behavior, and
price their policies accordingly. A woman will slow down to let a
car merge in front of her, and get rear-ended by another woman who
was busy adding the finishing touches to her makeup.
Shoes: The average man has 4 pairs of footwear: running shoes,
dress shoes, boots, and slippers. The average woman has shoes 4
layers thick on the floor of her closet. Most of them hurt her
feet!
Making friends: A woman will meet another woman with common
interests, do a few things together, and say something like, "I
hope we can be good friends." A man will meet another man with
common interests, do a few things together, and say nothing. After
years of interacting with this other man, sharing hopes and fears
that he wouldn't confide in his priest or psychiatrist, he'll
finally let down his guard in a fit of drunken sentimentality and
say something like, "You know, for someone who's such an asshole,
I guess you're OK!"
Shopping: It's no coincidence that L.L. Bean, Sears, and Roebuck
were all men. Men don't like to shop. If a man can't dish the job
off on some woman, he will grind his teeth and plan the outing as
he would a jungle expedition. He wants a map of the store showing
where he has to go to get "Item X" in "Color Y" in the correct
size, which he doesn't know. Even then it takes him half an hour
to get there from the entrance. When he's finally accomplished his
mission, he'll discover that he forgot his checkbook. Women shop
to relax.
Menopause: When a woman reaches menopause, she goes through a
variety of complicated emotional, psychological, and biological
changes. The nature and degree of these changes varies with the
individual. Menopause in a man provokes a uniform reaction -- he
buys aviator glasses, a snazzy French cap and leather driving
gloves, and goes shopping for a Porsche.
Plants: A woman asks a man to water her plants while she is on
vacation. The man waters the plants. The woman comes home five or
six days later to an apartment full of dead plants. No one knows
why this happens.
Cameras: Men take photography very seriously. They'll shell out
$4000 for state of the art equipment, and build dark rooms and take
photography classes. Women purchase Kodak Instamatics. Of course,
women always end up taking better pictures.
Locker Rooms: In the locker room men talk about three things:
Money, football, and women. They exaggerate about money, they
don't know football nearly as well as they think they do, and they
fabricate stories about women. Women talk about one thing in the
locker room -- sex. And not in abstract terms, either. They are
extremely graphic and technical, and they never lie.
Garages: Women use garages to park their cars and store their
lawnmowers. Men use garages for many things. They hang license
plates in garages, they watch TV in garages, and they build useless
lopsided benches in garages.
Time: When a woman says she'll be ready to go out in five more
minutes, she's using the same meaning of time as when a man says
the football game's just got five minutes left. Neither of them is
counting time outs, commercials, or replays.
Conversation: Men need a good disagreement to get talking, e.g.,
"Wow, great movie!"
"What are you, nuts? No real cop would have an Uzi that
size."
"Well, maybe he got it because he knew about those Mafia
guys..." etc.
Women, not having this problem, try to initiate conversations
with men by saying something agreeable: "That garden by the
roadside looks lovely."
"Mm hmm."
Pause. "that was a good restaurant last night, wasn't it?"
"Yeah." Pause.
And so on. Women on a girl's night out talk the whole time.
Men on a boy's night out say about twenty words all night, most of
which are "Pass the Doritos" or "Got any more beer?