Warning: This list may be offensive to ardent feminists.
There are so many programming languages available that it can
be very difficult to get to know them all well enough to pick the
right one for you. On the other hand most men know what kind of
woman appeals to them. So here is a handy guide for many of the
popular programming languages that describes what kind of women
they would be if programming languages were women.
Ada: A WAC colonel built like an amazon. She is always setting
strict rules, but if you follow them, she keeps her temper. She is
quite talkative, always spouting army regulations, and using
obscure military talk. You gotta love her though, because the army
says so.
ALGOL 60: Your father's wartime sweetheart: Petite, well
proportioned, and sweet tempered. She disappeared mysteriously
during the war, but your dad still talks about her shapely form and
their steamy romance. He never actually tasted much of her
cooking.
ALGOL 68: Algol 60's niece. A high-society woman, well educated
and terse. Few men can fully understand her when she talks, and
her former lovers still discuss her mysterious personality. She is
very choosy about her romances and won't take just any man as her
lover. She hasn't been seen lately, and rumor has it that she died
in a fall from an ivory tower.
APL: A fancy caterer specializing in Greek food. She can cook
delicious meals for rows and rows of tables with dozens of people
at each table. She doesn't talk much, as that would just slow her
work down. Few people can understand her recipes, since they are
in a foreign language, and are all recorded in mirror writing.
Assembler: A female track star who holds all the world speed
records. She is hard and bumpy, and so is not that pleasant to
embrace. She can cook up any meal, but needs a complete and
detailed recipe. She is not beautiful or educated, and speaks in
monosyllables like "MOV, JUMP, INC." She has a fierce and violent
temper that make her the choice of last resort.
BASIC: The horny divorcee that lives next door. Her specialty is
seducing young boys and it seems she is always readily available
for them. She teaches them many amazing things, or at least they
seem amazing because it is their first experience. She is not that
young herself, but because she was their first lover the boys
always remember her fondly. Her cooking and sewing skills are
mediocre, but largely irrelevant, it's the frolicking that the boys
like. The opinion that adults have of Mrs. BASIC is varied.
Shockingly, some fathers actually introduce their own sons to this
immoral woman! But generally the more righteous adults try to
correct the badly influenced young men by introducing them to well
behaved women like Miss Pascal.
C: A lady executive. An avid jogger, very healthy, and not too
talkative. Is a good cook if you like spicy food. Unless you
double check everything you say (through LINT) you can unleash her
fierce temper. Her daughter C++ is still quite young and prone to
tantrums, but it seems that she will grow up into a fine young
woman of milder temper and more sophisticated character.
COBOL: A plump secretary. She talks far too much, and most of
what she says can be ignored. She works hard and long hours, but
can't handle really complicated jobs. She has a short and
unpredictable temper, so no one really likes working with her. She
can cook meals for a huge family, but only knows bland recipes.
FORTRAN: Your grey-haired grandmother. People make fun of her
just because she is old, but if you take the time to listen, you
can learn from her experiences and her mistakes. During her
lifetime she has acquired many useful skills in sewing and cooking
(subroutine libraries) that no younger women can match, so be
thankful she is still around. She has a notoriously bad temper and
when angered will start yelling and throwing dishes. It was mostly
her bad temper that made Granddad search for another wife.
LISP: She is an aging beatnik, who lives in a rural commune with
her hippie cousins SMALLTALK and FORTH. Many men (mostly college
students) who have visited the farmhouse, enthusiastically praise
the natural food, and perpetual love-ins that take place there.
Others criticize the long cooking times, and the abnormal sexual
postures (prefix and postfix). Although these women seldom have
full-time jobs, when they do work, their employers praise them for
their imagination, but usually not for their efficiency.
LOGO: A grade-school art teacher. She is just the kind of teacher
that you wish you had when you were young. She is shapely and
patient, but not an interesting conversationalist. She can cook up
delicious kiddie snacks, but not full-course meals.
LUCID & PROLOG: These clever teenagers show a new kind of cooking
skill. They can cook-up fine meals without the use of recipes,
working solely from a description of the desired meal (declarative
cooking). Many men are fascinated by this and have already
proposed marriage. Others complain that the girls work very
slowly, and that often the description of the meal must be just as
long as a recipe would be. It is hard to predict what these girls
will be like when they are fully mature.
Modula II: A high-school teacher and Pascal's daughter. Very much
like her mother, but she has learned to cook with more than one
pot.
Pascal: A grammar school teacher, and Algol 60's younger sister.
Like her sister she is petite and attractive, but very bossy. She
is a good cook but only if the recipe requires no more than one pot
(module).
PL/I: A bordello madam. She wears silk dresses, diamonds, furs
and red high heels. At one time she seemed very attractive, but
now she just seems overweight and tacky. Tastes change.