Why a Beer is Better Than a Woman
1. A beer alway goes down easy.
2. A beer can only come back to haunt you once.
3. A beer doesn't care when you come.
4. A beer doesn't get jealous when you grab another beer.
5. A beer doesn't give a fuck if you keep a bunch of other beers
around.
6. A beer doesn't mind if you compare it to other beers.
7. A beer doesn't think DOS is pronounced "dose".
8. A beer doesn't think baseball is stupid simply because the
guys spit.
9. A beer is always ready to leave on time.
10. A beer is always wet.
11. A beer is more likely to know how to spell "carburetor" than
a woman.
12. A beer never calls David Letterman a jerk.
13. A beer never costs you more than five dollars and never
leaves you thirsty.
14. A beer never fishes for compliments.
15. A beer never tells you about the last guy it was with.
16. A beer never wakes you up at 4:00 am to cry at you.
17. A beer never wants to be "just friends."
18. A beer will actually support belching and farting and share
your enthusiasm for getting them included as demonstration
sports in the 1992 Olympic Games in Barcelona.
19. A beer will never buy a car with automatic transmission.
20. A beer will never make you go to a Swedish movie.
21. A beer will never make you turn off "Fists of Fury Theater"
on channel 5 on Saturday afternoons.
22. A beer will not call you a sexist pig if you say "doberman"
instead of "doberperson".
23. A beer will not insist that those odious Michelin commercials
with the babies are "cute".
24. A beer won't accuse you of being a sexist pig if you say
"Gene Hackman" instead of "Gene Hackperson".
25. A beer won't accuse you of lying when you say you read
Penthouse "just for the articles". (You are lying, but the
beer won't accuse you of it.)
26. A beer won't argue that there's no difference between
shooting down an unidentified aircraft in a war zone and
blowing a Korean airliner out of the sky.
27. A beer won't avoid you when you're smelly, sweaty and/or
dirty.
28. A beer won't claim that the Three Stooges are shitheads.
29. A beer won't fill up your car with cheesy 85-octane gas with
the excuse: "But I saved a quarter!"
30. A beer won't get a job as a DJ and play 5 straight hours of
lesbian folk music on your favorite radio station.
31. A beer won't get upset if you come home with beer on your
breath.
32. A beer won't make you eat some experimental vegetarian meal
that tastes like STP Oil Treatment.
33. A beer won't make you go to church.
34. A beer won't make you pick up some tampons when you go to the
grocery store.
35. A beer won't raise a fuss about a little thing like leaving
the toilet seat up.
36. A beer won't raise any objections to an evening of watching
"John Holmes' Greatest Hits" on your VCR.
37. A beer won't slap you for grabbing it.
38. A beer won't smoke in your car.
39. A beer won't whine that seatbelts hurt.
40. A beer won't worry that you'll go to jail if you videotape a
Giants game without the expressed, written consent of the
National Football League.
41. A frigid beer is a good beer.
42. After you drink a beer, it doesn't tell you that it "just
wanted to be held."
43. After you have a beer, the bottle is still worth a dime.
44. After you have a beer, you're committed to nothing other than
dumping the empty bottle.
45. An ice-cold beer will nonetheless let you have your way with
it.
46. Beer always comes in multiples of six.
47. Beer always listens and never argues.
48. Beer can't give your herpes or other nasty things.
49. Beer could care less what you wear.
50. Beer doesn't bitch, yell, or cry.
51. Beer doesn't blow you off.
52. Beer doesn't care if you have no culture or manners.
53. Beer doesn't complain about insensitivity.
54. Beer doesn't complain about the way you drive.
55. Beer doesn't demand equality.
56. Beer doesn't demand legality.
57. Beer doesn't get cramps.
58. Beer doesn't go crazy once a month.
59. Beer doesn't have a lawyer.
60. Beer doesn't have a mother.
61. Beer doesn't have cold hands/feet.
62. Beer doesn't have morals.
63. Beer doesn't live with its mother.
64. Beer doesn't look you up in a month.
65. Beer doesn't make you go shopping.
66. Beer doesn't mind being in the "wet spot" that IT left.
67. Beer doesn't mind football season.
68. Beer doesn't mind getting dirty.
69. Beer doesn't mind if you fart or belch.
70. Beer doesn't mind seeing Chuck Norris and Charles Bronson
flicks.
71. Beer doesn't need much closet space.
72. Beer doesn't need to go to the 'powder room' with other
beers.
73. Beer doesn't pout or play games.
74. Beer doesn't scream "home-run" at football games.
75. Beer doesn't tease you or play hard to get.
76. Beer doesn't tell you to mow the grass.
77. Beer doesn't use up your toilet paper.
78. Beer doesn't wear a bra.
79. Beer doesn't whine, it bubbles.
80. Beer doesn't worry about someone walking in.
81. Beer doesn't worry about waking the kids.
82. Beer is always easy to pick up.
83. Beer is easy to get into.
84. Beer is never late.
85. Beer is never overweight.
86. Beer labels come off without a fight.
87. Beer labels don't go out of style every year.
88. Beer looks the same in the morning.
89. Beer never asks you to change the station.
90. Beer never changes its mind.
91. Beer never complains when you take it somewhere.
92. Beer never has a headache.
93. Beer never says no.
94. Beer stains wash out.
95. Beer tastes good.
96. Beer won't call you up 4 years later and talk about gettin'
back together.
97. Beer won't run off with your credit cards.
98. Big, fat beers are nice to have.
99. Hangovers go away.
100. If a beer leaks all over the room, it smells kinda good for
a while.
101. If you change beers, you don't have to pay alimony.
102. If you get mad at a beer, throwing it out a window won't get
you the chair.
103. If you lose a beer, you can always find another one just like
it.
104. If you mention a "three-hundred-fifty cubic-inch V8" around
a beer, it won't think you're talking about an enormous can
of vegetable juice.
105. If you pour a beer right, you will always get good head.
106. If you take a beer outta the fridge just to look at it but
then decide to drink it, the beer won't accuse you of "date
rape".
107. It takes more than one beer to make you start saying things
you'll later regret.
108. Some beers (e.g. St. Pauli Girl) have fabulous tits.
109. There's never any trouble understanding a foreign beer.
110. When beer goes flat you toss it out.
111. When you go to a bar, you know you can always pick up a beer.
112. When you're through with a beer, the thought of another beer
doesn't make you ill.
113. When your beer is gone, you just pop another.
114. Women don't have any catchy slogans ("Tastes great. Less
filling...")
115. YOU always decide when to dump a beer.
116. You always know that you are the first one to pop a beer.
117. You can enjoy a beer all month.
118. You can get over a beer in about a half an hour.
119. You can have a beer in public.
120. You can have more than one beer a night and not feel guilty.
121. You can share a beer with your friends.
122. You can still get a good cheap beer.
123. You can't catch anything but a "buzz" from a beer.
124. You don't have to change the sheets after having a beer.
125. You don't have to clean up your room before you bring a beer
home.
126. You don't have to get drunk before a beer starts looking
good.
127. You don't have to like a beer's personality.
128. You don't have to wash a beer before it tastes good.
129. You don't have to wine and dine a beer.
130. You don't have to worry about finishing with a beer too soon.
131. You know when you're under the influence of beer.
132. You rarely (if ever) find beer labels on the shower curtain
rod.
133. You'll never get drunk and call up an ex-beer telling it that
you never loved it, but there's still a chance it could work
out.
134. Your beer will always wait patiently for you in the car.