It had to happen sooner or later. Lawyer Dobbins was wheeled
into the emergency room on a stretcher, rolling his head in agony.
Doctor Green came over to see him.
"Dobbins," he said, "what an honor. The last time I saw you
was in court when you accused me of malpractice."
"Doc... Doc... My side is on fire. The pain is right here,
what can it be?"
"How would I know? You told the jury I wasn't fit to be a
doctor."
"I was only kidding, Doc. When you represent a client you
don't know what you're saying. Could I be passing a kidney stone?"
"You diagnosis is as good as mine."
"What are you talking about?"
"When you questioned me on the stand you indicated you knew
everything there was to know about the practice of medicine."
"Doc, I'm climbing the wall, give me something."
"Let's say I give you something for a kidney stone and it
turns out to be a gallstone. Who is going to pay for my court
costs?"
"I'll sign a paper that I won't sue."
"Can I read to you from the transcript of the trial? Thanks:
Lawyer Dobbins: Why were you so sure that my client had tennis
elbow.
Dr. Green: I've treated hundreds of people with tennis elbow
and I know it when I see it.
Dobbins: It never occurred to you that my client could have a
Migraine headache?
Green: No, there were no signs of a Migraine headache.
Dobbins: You and your kind make me sick.
"Why are you reading that to me?"
"Because, Dobbins, ever since the trial I've lost confidence
in making a diagnosis. A lady came in the other day limping..."
"Please, Doc, I don't want to hear it now. Give me some
Demerol."
"You said during the suit that I dispensed drugs like a
'drunken sailor.' I've changed my ways, Dobbins. I don't
prescribe drugs anymore."
"Then get me another doctor."
"There are no other doctors on duty. The only reason I'm here
is that after the malpractice suit the sheriff seized everything in
my office. This is the only place that I can practice."
"If you give me something to relieve the pain I will
personally appeal your case to a higher court."
"You know, Dobbins, I was sure that You were a prime candidate
for a kidney stone."
"You can't tell a man is a candidate for a kidney stone just
by looking at him."
"That's what you think, Dobbins. You had so much acid in you
when you addressed the jury, I knew some of it eventually had to
crystallize into stones. Remember on the third day when you called
me the 'Butcher of Operating Room 6?' That afternoon I said to my
wife, 'That man is going to be in a lot of pain.'"
"Okay, Doc, you've had your ounce of flesh. Can I now have my
ounce of Demerol?"
"I better check you out first."
"Don't check me out, just give the dope."
"But in court the first question you asked me was if I had
examined the patient completely. It would be negligent of me if I
didn't do it now. Do you mind getting up on the scale?"
"What for?"
"To find out your height. I have to be prepared in case I get
sued and the lawyer asks me if I knew how tall you are."
"I'm not going to sue you."
"You say that now. But how can I be sure you won't file a
writ after you pass the kidney stone?"