I get about 100 e-mail messages a day from readers of my comic
strip "Dilbert." Most are from disgruntled office workers,
psychopaths, stalkers, comic-strip fans -- that sort of person.
But a growing number are from women who write to say they think
Dilbert is sexy. Some say they've already married a Dilbert and
couldn't be happier.
If you're not familiar with Dilbert, he's an electrical
engineer who spends most of his time with his computer. He's a
nice guy but not exactly Kevin Costner.
Okay, Dilbert is polite, honest, employed and educated. And
he stays home. These are good traits, but they don't exactly
explain the incredible sex appeal. So what's the attraction?
I think it's a Darwinian thing. We're attracted to the people
who have the best ability to survive and thrive. In the old days
it was important to be able to run down an antelope and kill it
with a single blow to the forehead.
But that skill is becoming less important every year.
Now all that matters is if you can install your own Ethernet
card without having to call tech support and confess your
inadequacies to a stranger whose best career option is to work in
tech support.
It's obvious that the world has three distinct classes of
people, each with its own evolutionary destiny: Knowledgeable
computer users who will evolve into godlike non-corporeal beings
who rule the universe (except for those who work in tech support).
Computer owners who try to pass as knowledgeable but secretly
use hand calculators to add totals to their Excel spreadsheets.
This group will gravitate toward jobs as high school principals and
operators of pet crematoriums. Eventually they will become
extinct.
Non-computer users who will grow tails, sit in zoos and fling
dung at tourists.
Obviously, if you're a woman and you're trying to decide which
evolutionary track you want your offspring to take, you don't want
to put them on the luge ride to the dung-flinging Olympics. You
want a real man. You want a knowledgeable computer user with
evolution potential.
And women prefer men who listen. Computer users are excellent
listeners because they can look at you for long periods of time
without saying anything. Granted, early in a relationship it's
better if the guy actually talks. But men use up all the stories
they'll ever have after six months. If a woman marries a guy who's
in, let's say, retail sales, she'll get repeat stories starting in
the seventh month and lasting forever. Marry an engineer and she
gets a great listener for the next 70 years.
Plus, with the ozone layer evaporating, it's a good strategy
to mate with somebody who has an indoor hobby. Outdoorsy men are
applying suntan lotion with SPF 10,000 and yet by the age of 30
they still look like dried chili peppers in pants. Compare that
with the healthy glow of a man who spends 12 hours a day in front
of a video screen.
It's also well established that computer users are better
lovers. I know because I heard an actual anecdote from someone who
knew a woman who married a computer user and they reportedly had
sex many times. I realize this isn't statistically valid, but you
have to admit it's the most persuasive thing I've written so far.
If you still doubt the sexiness of male PC users, consider
their hair. They tend to have either: (1) male pattern baldness
-- a sign of elevated testosterone -- or (2) unkempt jungle hair
-- the kind you see only on people who just finished a frenzied
bout of lovemaking. If this were a trial I think we could reach a
verdict on the strong circumstantial evidence alone.
I realize there are a lot of skeptics out there. They'll
delight in pointing out the number of computer users who wear wrist
braces and suggest it isn't the repetitive use of the keyboard that
causes the problem. That's okay. Someday those skeptics will be
flinging dung at tourists. Then who'll be laughing? (Answer to
rhetorical question: everybody but the tourists.)
Henry Kissinger said power is the ultimate aphrodisiac. And
Bill Clinton said that knowledge is power. Therefore, logically,
according to the U.S. government, knowledge of computers is the
ultimate aphrodisiac. You could argue with me -- I'm just a
cartoonist -- but it's hard to argue with the government.
Remember, they run the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms, so
they must know a thing or two about satisfying women.
You might think this was enough to convince anyone that men
who use computers are sexy. But look at it from my point of view:
I'm getting paid by the word for this article. I'm not done yet.
In less enlightened times, the best way to impress women was
to own a hot car. But women wised up and realized it was better to
buy their own hot cars so they wouldn't have to ride around with
jerks.
Technology has replaced hot cars as the new symbol of robust
manhood. Men know that unless they get a digital line to the
Internet no woman is going to look at them twice.
It's getting worse. Soon anyone who's not on the World Wide
Web will qualify for a government subsidy for the home-pageless.
And nobody likes a man who takes money from the government, except
maybe Marilyn Monroe, which is why the CIA killed her. And if you
think that's stupid, I've got 100 words to go.
Finally, there's the issue of mood lighting. Nothing looks
sexier than a man in boxer shorts illuminated only by a 15-inch
SVGA monitor. If we agree that this is every woman's dream
scenario, then I think we can also agree that it's best if the guy
knows how to use the computer. Otherwise, he'll just look like a
loser sitting in front of a PC in his underwear.
In summary, it's not that I think non-PC users are less
attractive. It's just that I'm sure they won't read this article.