The Relationship
From Jerry Seinfeld
Why is commitment such a big problem for a man? I think that
for some reason when a man is driving down that freeway of love,
the woman he's with is like an exit, but he doesn't want to get off
there. He wants to keep driving. And the woman is like, "Look,
gas, food, lodging, that's our exit, that's everything we need to
be happy... Get off here, now!" But the man is focusing on sign
underneath that says, "Next exit 27 miles," and he thinks, "I can
make it." Sometimes he can, sometimes he can't. Sometimes, the
car ends up on the side of the road, hood up and smoke pouring out
of the engine. He's sitting on the curb all alone, "I guess I
didn't realize how many miles I was racking up."
The idea behind the tuxedo is the woman's point of view that
men are all the same, so we might as well dress them that way.
That's why a wedding is like the joining together of a beautiful,
glowing bride and some guy. The tuxedo is a wedding safety device,
created by women because they know that men are undependable. So
in case the groom chickens out, everybody just takes one step over,
and she marries the next guy.
On Clothes
I once had a leather jacket that got ruined in the rain. Why
does moisture ruin leather? Aren't cows outside a lot of the time?
When it's raining, do cows go up to the farmhouse, "Let us in!
We're all wearing leather! Open the door! We're going to ruin the
whole outfit here!"
Traveling
I was in front of an ambulance the other day, and I noticed
that the word "ambulance" was spelled in reverse print on the hood
of the ambulance. And I thought, "Well, isn't that clever." I
look in the rear-view mirror, I can read the word "ambulance"
behind me. Of course while you're reading, you don't see where
you're going, you crash, you need an ambulance. I think they're
trying to drum up some business on the way back from lunch.
You know what I never get with the limo? The tinted windows.
Is that so people don't see you? Yeah, what a better way not to
have people notice you than taking a thirty foot Cadillac with a TV
antenna and a uniformed driver. How discreet. Nobody cares who's
in the limo. You see a limo go by, you know it's either some rich
jerk or fifty prom kids with $1.75 each.
Are there keys to a plane? Maybe that's what those delays are
sometimes, when you're just sitting there at the gate. Maybe the
pilot sits up there in the cockpit going, "Oh, I don't believe
this. Dammit... I did it again." They tell you it's something
mechanical because they don't want to come on the P.A. system,
"Ladies and gentlemen, we're going to be delayed here on the ground
for a while. I uh... Oh, God this is so embarrassing... I, I left
the keys to the plane in my apartment. They're in this big ashtray
by the front door. I'm sorry, I'll run back and get them."
You can measure distance by time. "How far away is it?"
"Oh about 20 minutes."
But it doesn't work the other way. "When do you get off
work?"
"Around 3 miles."
That's Odd
I had a parakeet that used to fly around the house and crash
into these huge mirrors my mother put in. Ever heard of this
interior design principle, that a mirror makes it seem like you
have an entire other room? What kind of jerk walks up to a mirror
and goes, "Hey look, there's a whole other room in there. There's
a guy that looks just like me in there." But the parakeet would
fall for this. I'd let him out of his cage, he'd fly right into
the mirror. And I'd always think, "Even if he thinks the mirror is
another room, why doesn't he at least try to avoid hitting the
other parakeet?"
Kids could always resolve any dispute by calling it. One of
them will say, "I got the front seat."
"I want the front seat."
"I called it."
And the other kid has no recourse. "He called it, what can I
do?" If there was a kid court of law it holds up. "Your Honor, my
client did ask for the front seat. "
The judge says, "Did he call it?"
"Well, no, he didn't call it..." He bangs the gavel.
"Objection overruled. He has to call it. Case closed."