Microsoft Purchase the United States Government
REDMOND, Wash. - Oct. 21, 1997 -- In direct response to
accusations made by the Department of Justice, the Microsoft Corp.
announced today that it will be acquiring the federal government of
the United States of America for an undisclosed sum. "It's
actually a logical extension of our planned growth," said Microsoft
chairman Bill Gates, "It really is going to be a positive
arrangement for everyone."
Microsoft representatives held a briefing in the oval office
of the White House with U.S. President Bill Clinton, and assured
members of the press that changes will be "minimal." The United
States will be managed as a wholly owned division of Microsoft. An
initial public offering is planned for July of next year, and the
federal government is expected to be profitable by "Q4 1999 at
latest," according to Microsoft president Steve Ballmer.
In a related announcement, Bill Clinton stated that he had
"willingly and enthusiastically" accepted a position as a vice
president with Microsoft, and will continue to manage the United
States government, reporting directly to Bill Gates. When asked how
it felt to give up the mantle of executive authority to Gates,
Clinton smiled and referred to it as "a relief." He went on to say
that Gates has a "proven track record," and that U.S. citizens
should offer Gates their "full support and confidence." Clinton
will reportedly be earning several times the $200,000 annually he
has earned as U.S. president, in his new role at Microsoft.
Gates dismissed a suggestion that the U.S. Capitol be moved to
Redmond as "silly," though he did say that he would make executive
decisions for the U.S. government from his existing office at
Microsoft headquarters. Gates went on to say that the House and
Senate would "of course" be abolished. "Microsoft isn't a
democracy," he observed, "and look how well we're doing."
When asked if the rumored attendant acquisition of Canada was
proceeding, Gates said, "We don't deny that discussions are taking
place."
Microsoft representatives closed the conference by stating
that United States citizens will be able to expect lower taxes,
increases in government services and discounts on all Microsoft
products.
About Microsoft
Founded in 1975, Microsoft (NASDAQ "MSFT") is the worldwide
leader in software for personal computers, and democratic
government. The company offers a wide range of products and
services for public, business and personal use, each designed with
the mission of making it easier and more enjoyable for people to
take advantage of the full power of personal computing and free
society every day.
About the United States
Founded in 1789, the United States of America is the most
successful nation in the history of the world, and has been a
beacon of democracy and opportunity for over 200 years.
Headquartered in Washington, D.C., the United States is a wholly
owned subsidiary of Microsoft Corporation.