CONCORD, N.H., May 14 (Reuters) -- Continuing the wave of
consolidation that saw Alabama, Mississippi and Georgia join to
form Nationsouth, Vermont and New Hampshire signed a deal today
that will combine the two into one state with the motto "Live Free
or Whatever." The deal involves a stock swap in which cows from
Vermont and chickens from New Hampshire will be exchanged 1-for-1.
BANGOR, Me., Aug. 22 (Bloomberg) -- Stephen King announced today
that he had acquired Joyce Carol Oates in a deal that will allow
him to increase production by as much as 125 percent, boosting his
output to at least one novel a month. The new author, who will do
business as Stephen, Joyce, King, Carol and Oates, will be one of
the most violent and critically acclaimed novelists working today.
Though Mr. King sells more books than Ms. Oates, analysts say the
acquisition of the respected writer will help him make inroads into
new markets, like college literature classes.
"It's a win-win situation," Mr. King said in an exclusive
interview with The New York Daily Newsday Times. "Joyce has the
prestige I've been looking for and is one of the few writers who
can keep up with my production schedule."
An earlier deal in which Mr. King had hoped to buy Upjohn Inc.
fell through when Mr. King was informed that the company was not
John Updike.
WASHINGTON, Oct. 3 (UPI) -- In a deal that resonated in homes
across the country, Cats announced today that it had completed a
hostile takeover of Dogs. The new company, which Cats said will be
called OnePet, will supplant the recently created Birdfishgroup as
the world's largest supplier of home companion services.
PARIS, Nov. 14 (Agence France-Presse) -- In what is thought to be
the biggest merger of all time, Men and Women have agreed to join
forces into one sex, to be called Humanicorp. The details of the
arrangement are still being hammered out, but early negotiations
have Men taking breasts. Women have agreed in principle to watch
ESPN but have refused to give up self-respect. There are also
serious antitrust issues that will need to be resolved. A
spokesman for Men, Bob said that Men had been trying for years to
merge with Women and that this was the culmination of a long-held
dream for them. Women were unavailable for comment.
ROME, May 30, 2305 (Religious News Service) -- After several eons
of discord and competition for the souls of Humanicorp, God and
Satan have decided to merge in a deal that will join heaven and
hell.
"Some say I've made a deal with the Devil," said God, who
appeared simultaneously on CNN, Fox News, the major networks and
all radios and personal computers, as well as in the sky. "But I
prefer to think of this as two former adversaries setting aside
differences for the good of consumers."
Those close to the delicate negotiations said that God would
be chairman of the combined company and that Satan would hold the
post of president. Merger talks broke off several centuries ago,
in part because the executives could not reach an agreement on who
would run a combined company. Reminded of his famous rebuff of God
at that time, "Better to reign in hell than serve in heaven," Satan
joked, "I take it back."
Satan's old organization, whose name is Legion, does not plan
any layoffs.