US Air Force to Merge With Lockheed Martin


(AFNS) Washington DC - In a stunning announcement, the US Air Force announced that it will merge with the aerospace giant Lockheed Martin. Air Force Chief of Staff Gen Ronald Fogleman made the announcement at a Pentagon ceremony today.
     "I'm very pleased with the new merger and am excited about working with the contractor world even more closely." Fogleman said of the $800 trillion deal. The merger would be the second largest in the country, bested only by the marriage of Lisa Marie Presley and Michael Jackson.
     Plans for the new company, to be called Air Force-Lockheed, are somewhat sketchy, but sources say that the former contractors will move into military housing at closed military bases around the country. Air Force-Lockheed believes that forcing employees into government housing will save billions of dollars each year.
     The merger wast a happy occasion for all, though. Many of the former contractors were incensed to learn that they would be forced to give up their frequent flier miles to the company and many of the former Air Force personnel were upset that they would now have to decide what to wear every morning.
     "It's just not fair," said Capt Jim Lindsay of Los Angeles Air Force Station. "I just invested thousands of dollars in the new Air Force uniform and Corfram shoes and they just pulled the rug out from underneath me. Where will I find the money to pay for new clothes and how will I know if they match? They ought to make the old contractors wear uniforms instead."
     Shareholders of the old Lockheed-Martin Company were also unhappy since the value of their stock plummeted with the announcement. Analysts say the drop occurred because of the debt the Lockheed-Martin group took on due to the merger with the Air Force.
     The merger has left the other Services scrambling to help themselves by looking into mergers of their own. The Navy is interested in a deal with Carnival Cruise Lines, but TV personality Kathy Lee Gifford has said she and fitness guru Richard Simmons oppose a government takeover.
     An informed source says that the Army is keeping its options open, but that it expects to close a deal with the US Marine Corps soon. The Army had looked into a merger with the Boy Scouts of America, but withdrew from negotiations when Army auditors discovered the Boy Scouts is a non-profit organization and has adult supervision. The Marines, upset at not being included in the Navy negotiation with Carnival, says it wants to be affiliated with another organization.
     Many say the Air Force-Lockheed merger will take a while to "fit" the people though. "We know how to spend money, but we don't know a damn thing about making it," said a lieutenant colonel at HQ USAF who declined to be identified. Many analysts agree with that opinion and have said the company may initially have trouble.