One of the fringe benefits of beings an English or
History teacher is receiving the occasional jewel of a
student blooper in an essay. I have pasted together the
following "history" of the world from certifiably genuine
student bloopers collected by teachers throughout the
United States, from eighth grade through college level.
Read carefully, and you will learn a lot!
The inhabitants of Egypt were called mummies. They lived in
the Sarah Dessert and traveled by Camelot. The climate of the
Sarah is such that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere. Certain
areas of the dessert are cultivated by irritation. The Egyptians
built the pyramids in the shape of huge triangular cubes. The
pyramids are a range of mountains between France and Spain.
The Bible is full of interesting caricatures. In the first
book of the Bible, Guinesses, Adam and Eve were created from an
apple tree. One of their children, Cain, asked "Am I my brother's
son?" God asked Abraham to sacrifice Isaac on Mount Montezuma.
Jacob, son of Isaac, stole his brother's birthmark. Jacob was a
patriarch who brought up his twelve sons to be patriarchs, but they
did not take to it. One of Jacob's sons, Joseph, gave refuse to
the Israelites.
Pharaoh forced the Hebrew slaves to make bread without straw.
Moses led them to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened brad,
which is brad made without any ingredients. Afterwards, Moses went
up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments. David was a
Hebrew King skilled at playing the liar. He bugth with the
Philatelists, a race of people who lived in Biblical times.
Solomon, one of David's sons, had 500 wives and 500 porcupines.
Without the Greeks, we wouldn't have history. The Greeks
invented three kinds of columns - Corinthian, Doric, and Ironic.
They also had myths. A myth is a female moth. One myth says that
the mother of Achilles dipped him in the river stynx until he
became intolerable. Achilles appears in The Illiad, by Homer.
Homer also write the Oddity, which Penelope was the last hardship
that Ulysses endured on his journey. Actually, Homer was not
written by Homer but by another man of that name.
Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving
people advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of
wedlock.
In the Olympic Games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled the
biscuits, and threw the java. The reward to the victor was a coral
wreath. The government in Athens was democratic because the people
took the law into their own hands. There were no wars in Greece,
as the mountains were so high that they couldn't climb over to see
what their neighbors were doing. When they fought the Perisians,
the Greeks were outnumbered because the Persians had more men.
Eventually, the Ramons conquered the Geeks. History called
people Romans because they never stayed in one place very long. At
Roman banquets, the guests wore garlic in their hair. Julius
Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides
of March killed him because they thought he was going to be made
king. Nero was a cruel tyrany who would torture his poor subjects
by playing the fiddle to them.
Then came the Middle Ages. King Alfred conquered the Dames,
King Arthur lived in the age of Shivery, King Harlod mustarded his
troops before the Battle of Hastings, Joan of Arc was canonized by
George Bernard Shaw, and the victims of the Black Death grew boobs
on their necks. Finally, the Magna Carta provided that no free man
should be hanged twice for the same offense.
In midevil times most of the people were alliterate. The
greatest write of the time was Chaucer, who wrote many poems and
verse and also wrote literature. Another Tale Tells of William
Tell, who shot an arrow through an apple while standing on his
son's head.
The Renaissance was an age in which more individuals felt the
value of their human being. Martin Luther was nailed to the church
door at Wittenberg for selling papal indulgences. He died a
horrible death, being excommunicated on a bull. It was the painter
Donatello's interest in the female nude that made him the father of
the Renaissance. It was an age of great inventions and
discoveries. Gutenberg invented the Bible. Sir Walter Raleigh is
a historical figure because he invented cigarettes. Another
important invention was the circulation of blood. Sir Francis
Drake circumcised the world with a 100-foot clipper.
The government of England was a limited mockery. Henry VIII
found walking difficult because he had an abbess on his knee.
Queen Elizabeth was the Virgin Queen. As a queen she was a
success. When Elizabeth exposed herself before her troops, they
all shouted, "Hurrah!" Then her navy went out and defeated the
Spanish Armadillo.
The greatest write of the Renaissance was William Shakespear.
Shakespear paper made much money and is famous only because of his
plays. He lived in Windsor with his merry wives, writing
tragedies, comedies and errors. In on of Shakespear's famous
plays, Hamlet rations out his situation by relieving himself in a
long soliloquy. In another, lady Macbeth tries to convince Macbeth
to kill the King by attacking his manhood. Romeo and Juliet are an
example of a heroic couplet. Writing at the same time as
Shakespear was Miquel Divantes. He wrote Donkey Hote. The next
great author was John Milton. Milton wrote Paradise Lost. Then
his wife dies and he wrote Paradise Gained.
During the Renaissance America began. Christopher Columbus
was a great navigator who discovered America while cursing about
the Atlantic. His ships were called the Nina, the Pinta, and the
Santa Fe. Later the Pilgrims crossed the Ocean, and this was
called the Pilgrim's Progress. When they landed at Plymouth Rock,
they were greeted by Indians, who came down the hill rolling their
hoops before them. The Indian squabs carried porposies on their
backs. Many of the Indians heroes were killed, along with their
pabooses, which proved very fatal to them. The winter of 1620 was
a hard one for the settlers. Many people died and many babies were
born. Captain John Smith was responsible for all this.
One of the causes of the Revolutionary Wars was the English
put tacks in their tea. Also, the colonists would send their
parcels through the post without stamps. During the war, Red Coats
and Paul Revere were throwing balls over stone walls. The dogs
were barking and the peacocks crowing. Finally, the colonists won
the War and no longer had to pay for taxis.
Delegates from the original thirteen states formed the
Contented Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin
Franklin were two singers of the Declarations of Independence.
Franklin had gone to Boston carrying all his clothes in his pocket
and a loaf of bread under each arm. He invented electricity by
rubbing cats backwards and declared, "A horse divided against
itself cannot stand." Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.
George Washington married Martha Curtis and in due time became
the Father of Our Country. Then the Constitution of the United
States was adapted to secure domestic hostility. Under the
Constitution the people enjoyed the right to keep bare arms.
Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent.
Lincoln's mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin
which he built with his own hands. When Lincoln was President, he
wore only a tall silk hat. He said, "In onion there is strength."
Abraham Lincoln wrote the Gettysburg address while traveling from
Washington to Gettysburg on the back of an envelope. He also
signed the Emasculation Proclamation, and the Fourteenth Amendment
gave the ex-Negroes citizenship. But the Clue Clux Clan would
torcher and lynch the ex-Negroes and other innocent victims. On
the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theater and got
shot in his seat by one of the actors win the moving picture show.
The believed assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposedly insane
actor. This ruined Booth's career.
Meanwhile in Europe, the enlightenment was a reasonable time.
Voltare invented electricity and also wrote a book called Candy.
Gravity was invented by Issac Walton. It is chiefly noticeable in
the Autumn, when the apples are falling off the trees.
Bach was the most famous composer in the world, and so was
Handel. Handel was half German, half Italian and half English. He
was very large. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Beethoven
wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud
music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was
calling from him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for
this.
France was in a very serious state. The French Revolution was
accomplished before it happened. The Marseillaise was the theme
song of the French Revolution, and it catapulted into Napolean.
During the Napoleonic Wars, the crowned heads of Europe were
trembling in their shoes. Then the Spanish gorillas came down from
the hills and nipped at Napoleon's flanks. Napoleon became ill
with bladder problems and was very tense and unrestrained. He
wanted an heir to inheret his power, but since Josephine was a
baroness, she couldn't bear him any children.
The sun never set on the British Empire because the British
Empire is in the East and the sun sets in the West. Queen Victoria
was the longest queen. She sat on a thorn for 63 years. Her
reclining years and finally the end of her life were exemplatory of
a great personality. her death was the final event which ended her
reign.
The nineteenth century was a time of many great inventions and
thoughts. The invention of the steamboat caused a network of
rivers to spring up. Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick Raper,
which did the work of a hundred men. Samuel Morse invented a code
for telepathy. Louis Pastuer discovered a cure for rabbis.
Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the Organ of the Species.
Madman Curie discovered radium. And Karl Marx become one of the
Marx Brothers.
The First World War, caused by the assignation of the Arch-Duck by a surf, ushered in a new error in the anals of human
history.