With ruffles and flourishes, we unveil the long-awaited
collection. Here, seekers of wisdom and truth, are the Funniest
T-Shirts of Summer 1997, as reported by (and occasionally worn
by) Levey's legions.
1. "Mothers of Teenage Children Know Why Animals Eat Their
Young" - Pat Koglin, of Warrenton, Va.
2. "Somewhere Between 30 and Death." -Rita Rogers, Burke.
3. "My Folks Slept in the Lincoln Bedroom and All I Got Was
This Lousy T-Shirt." - William Cossan, of Upper Marlboro.
4. "She Met the Family and Married Him Anyway" - Thelina
Montgomery, of Rockville, who says the groom's family was
wearing it before and after a wedding in Fort Collins, Colo.
5. "The Nest Is Not Empty Until They Get Their Stuff Out of the
Basement" - Paufine E. Council of Rockville, and George
Irwin of Gambrills
6. "Help! I've Fallen and I Can't Reach My Credit Cards" -
Cmdr. Pavlos Kaltsas
7. "It's My 29th Birthday and I'll lie If I Want To." - Pavlos
Kaltsas again.
8. 'Let Us All Be Happy and live Within Our Means - Even If We
Have to Borrow the Money to Do It" - Mickey Gordon, of Fort
Defiance, Va.
9. "I Have Seen the Future and I'm Not Renting the Video" -
Phil Frankenfeld, of Northwest Washington.
10. "We Gave Away the Children - The Cat Was Allergic" - Mary
Jane Wyatt, of Winchester, Va.
11. "When God Made Me, He Was Just Showing Off" - Matt and Peggy
Menard, of Hollywood.
12. (Aboard a toddler) "I'm 2 Years Old and There's Nothing You
Can Do About It" - Joyce Berkebile, of Lusby.
13. "Just Give Me Chocolate and Nobody Gets Hurt" - Karen Reznek
14. "Welcome to the '90s. Don't Drink the Water. Don't Breathe
the Air. Don't Eat Fruit, Vegetables, Meat, Fish, Sugar,
Salt or Fats. Don't Have Sex Ever Again. Have a Nice
Day" - "Anonymous."
15. "I Don't Suffer from Insanity - I Enjoy Every Minute of
It" - Rebecca Goldstein.
16. "I Got This T-Shirt for My Husband - Pretty Good Trade,
Huh?" - spotted on the Atlantic City 'boardwalk by Mimi
Hook.
17. "I Fish, Therefore I lie" - spotted by Ed Driscoll on a man
walking out of a Wal-Mart
18. "Be Nice to Your Children - They'll Pick Your Nursing
Home" - Barbara Beall.
19. "When Your Dreams Turn to Dust, Vacuum" - Sharon Lockett.
20. "'I'm Retired and This Is As Dressed Up as I'm Gonna Get" -
Gilda Dickstein.
21. "Growing Old Is Mandatory - Growing up Is Optional" - Dave
Metzger.
22. "Upon the Advice of My Attorney, My Shirt Bears No Message
at This Time" - Spotted aboard a fellow middle-schooler
(Lord help us) by an eighth-grader named Pauline Wu.
23. Finally... "Nobody Knows - I'm Actually Elvis" - Gabriel
Chavez, who saw it aboard a bookworm in a public library.