Buddhist Condemnations
Leading Buddhists today condemned the recent rise of many
heretical versions of their faith; most of these have beliefs and
customs strangely at variance with the more orthodox forms of
Buddhism.
For example, the Nuddhists believe that Enlightenment is a
state of being whereby believers take off all their clothes in
public without shame (e.g. in lectures, bus queues, and shops).
One form of this is Zen Nuddhism, which involves the study of
mystic koans, most of which end up with the disciples taking their
clothes off and going out for a pizza. They strive to achieve
Nirvana, a state of nervelessness in which the body is nothing, and
the clothes are too. A more surreal sub-branch of this has gone in
for Mathematics and discovered Einstein's squashed clock paradox,
also known as the Dali Lema.
On the other hand, the Suddhists follow that great guru the
Marquis de Suddha. They tend to flagellate themselves, and each
other, a lot, and meditate with the sacred word "Ouch" (this
sometimes becomes "Ouch knee-me punch-me Ouch!")
Meanwhile, the Fuddhists believe in the power of food to cause
gastric enlightenment. One such sect eats a whole sheep a day, and
its South American branch eats a daily llama.
Passing over the Wuddhists, tree worshippers, we come finally
to the Muddhists. These believe that life is a long adventure
game, and that the most enlightened ones are reincarnated as
wizards and witches. They also have various sacred words, but
since even the less potent of these is liable to turn one into an
earwig, it is not always wise to utter them (unless one already is
an earwig of course).